Being a support system for your friend or partner is important. But what kind do they need?
Below I’ve listed out 4 good roles you can take on, my biggest hint is to ASK THEM what type of support they need in that moment and for that situation. Don’t assume one way or the other. Here is my example:
A dear friend has a health scare – in the moment it’s important to ASK what type of role they want you to fulfill. BUT it’s also good when some time has passed or more details come to light, or reality sets in, you may need to switch it up to a different role. It’s an easy and important conversation to have. Being open and honest with your friends or partner is key. Simply put, “What kind of role do you need me to be to best support you in this time?”
Consistent Support System
This involves checking in consistently and regularly. Reminding your friend to eat, to get outside and take a walk, being a constant presence in their life. Asking how they are doing often and if they need anything. Note, this can also be confused with being naggy so walk that thin line. They may only need your constant check ups for a short period of time before they get annoyed. Recognize you may switch out of this role quickly and into another one.
Tough Love
This role pushes them to get their ish together. Used when they need to make a change and they know that but aren’t willing to take any steps. Example would be if they’re in a bad relationship and have told you numerous times they want to change that situation but aren’t actually breaking up with their partner. OR they want to get healthy but are still pigging out on McDonalds often (we all slip up haha). This is a more direct and tough love approach. Warning, you could be considered an a$$, but it is what it is. You can recognize when they need that balance and you need to be softer on them. Maybe go for a 1:3 ratio.
Positive Outlook Support
“It will all be fine.” Is the most common phrase here, but your friend may need a light shining into their life saying only the good things, the positive stats and reminding them to get out of the hole they’re in. Lifting their spirits, talking through best case scenarios, etc. This role can also get annoying if you’re just bouncing around and oblivious to severity of some situations. Always about balance here but if there is a diagnosis or a loss sometimes that person wants to hear the good things versus being down in the dumps.
Reserved Support System
This is one you should ASK before taking on this role. Learn from my mistake! My husband had a health scare (the doctor didn’t really help him feel better about it) but I just ignored the situation until more facts came in. It was a spot that they thought was on his lung and the doctor told him one of the scenarios could be cancer or it could be scar tissue, or xyz. Thomas went into a downward spiral of looking up lung cancer survival rates while I promptly ignored it until more tests were done. This is why it’s good to ASK first, because that was not the best way to handle it.
The reserved support system has your friend or partner coming to you when they want help or advice, it’s more hands off approach. Let them know that they can come to you if they need anything, that you are always here for them but don’t want to bog them down if they don’t want the attention. It’s a valid position, it just depends on the person on the receiving end. I personally like being left alone for periods of time if I’m dealing with things because I know when I need to reach out. Some people may not, and you can followup with them to see how they’re doing. I automatically revert to this support system method because this is how I like people to handle it – something I need to work on.
What can all of these support systems have in common?
You can ALWAYS pray for the person, send good juju, think about them without telling them you’re doing it (sometimes tell them and remind them that you are thinking of them). Send a note in the mail, the reason I hound on postcards so much is that it’s a great, unobtrusive way to make people feel loved. Everyone just wants to feel seen and heard so always be available and adapt the role you are filling as they need it. The key is good communication and your friend will be so appreciative!
Pre-Stamped Friendship Postcards are available here! They are great when a friend is going through anything difficult or out of the ordinary. It’s a simple touch-point to let them know you care.
